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Biblical Cherrypicking 101 - What Would Republican Jesus Do? (Political Humor Religious Satire)

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. WHAT WOULD REPUBLICAN JESUS DO? “Lord, we’re confused about the role that religion should play in our society.” “How so?” “Well, the Scriptures teach us what is right and wrong, and what we should do and should not do in life. But are those biblical standards supposed to be a private matter between each person and God? Or should we impose them upon the nation by law?” “Ah yes, some good ole-fashioned theocracy. But I’m afraid it depends, for the answer requires a keen eye and a discerning heart… For instance: take the verses that speak of caring for the poor, the sick, the hungry, the homeless. Which, let’s be honest, make up nearly the whole New Testament. So kind of a big deal. Now tell me, should Christians use their government to carry out these commands?” “Well, I guess if we pass any laws based on our faith, then these things should be at the very top of our list.” “Hell no! Helping out others is a personal choice. You can’t force people to do what’s moral and right. They must desire it from within.” “Huh. That makes sense.” “Let’s try another one: how about homosexuality, which is of such little concern to me, that I’ve never even mentioned it once, despite it being very common among the pagans. So how should Christians address that one?” “Umm, I suppose if we’re not even legislating on the issues that are discussed the most in the Gospels, then why would we police something you never even preached about?” “One word: scapegoat.” “If you don’t create a good distraction, people might notice that you’re really bad at the whole “love your neighbor” thing. So just pretend that two men getting hitched will usher in the Apocalypse, and you’re golden.” “Err, right…” “So with that in mind, what about divorce, which I’ve actually taught is a pretty serious sin?” “Ugh, if we’re making a big deal about marriage laws following the Bible, then we’d push to ban divorce.” “No! No!! NO!!! What happens if, one day, you want to get divorced? Then you would’ve screwed yourself over. So you just sweep that problem under the rug as if I NEVER said a word about it. And besides, it doesn’t really matter what I did or did not say on the subject, because a lot of you won’t actually read what I say regardless.” “Tsk, tsk, tsk. Oh for 3. Not doing so hot, Peter. You get one more question: your last chance to redeem yourself. Ready? Here we go: how should Christians treat…abortion?” “Um, uh, err, let’s see. Abortion is never even mentioned in the Bible… “Go on…” “But it distracts people from all the poor and sick we’re not helping.” “Sure does.” “And since I’m a man, I won’t ever need to get an abortion myself, so any laws on it won’t ever affect me…” “Very true! So then, how often should churches talk about abortion?” “…Even more than they talk about you?” “Yes! He gets it! How’s THAT for a miracle?”