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The Attempt (Original Composition)

This song is a continuation of the story I'm trying to tell based around my experience with selective mutism. It is the finale of my newest sonata, and is about a suicide attempt. In March of 2020, I decided to try and take my own life. This decision was very thought out and planned ahead of time. In my previous music, I explained how my selective mutism continually got worse, and, after 7 years of it, my entire self identity was practically nonexistent. All I could see when I looked in the mirror was this disgusting, horrible abomination. I felt like I didn't have an identity, and like I didn't know who I was. I found a group of friends and they helped me start talking again, and I thought I had been doing better, but my identity was instead formed based off what they thought of me, and not how I truly felt about myself. In March of 2020, when COVID began, and in my senior year of high school, I realized I was gonna be leaving those friends and going to college. This brought back those feelings, as my self identity, or who I believed I was, came back. Those years of not talking to anybody, of not being able to form a proper friendship or relationship, from the age of 11 to the age of 18, had completely destroyed me. All I felt was this giant hole, and like a burden who needed to be erased. Like I no longer had a purpose. I began to argue with people a lot again, like was discussed in my composition "Stuck," and this triggered me just enough to try and go through with it. I took a bunch of pills and walked to the nearby park. However, after a few minutes, I didn't feel the peace or the calm that I thought I'd feel, and all I felt was panic and regret. I realized I didn't want to die, and tried throwing up any pills I could in an attempt to stop myself from dying. I didn't want to go to the hospital or tell anyone because I felt like such a burden at that point. I didn't want to bother people. I felt so ashamed that I wanted to die so badly. Eventually, after throwing up a lot of pills, I returned home. I spent the rest of the night playing video games like nothing ever happened, and, due to the side effects of the pills, had an extreme calm wash over me. That night, in my mind, I had convinced myself that I was a horrible human being who didn't deserve love or friendship. Over the coming months, I cut ties with the friends I had left. I spent years feeling like I was the worst type of human being, until finally going through trauma therapy. Now, slowly, over the last couple of years, I've been regaining my self identity, and I've been able to realize that I'm not the horrible person I convinced myself I was. This song, with its multiple transitions and different moods, encapsulates my feelings that night perfectly. I wanted to portray a feeling of being stranded and alone. Of feeling like there was no one to turn to. But I also wanted to demonstrate that I was conflicted every step of the way. It was the end of a major chapter in my life.