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The True Story of Wayne LaPierre, Big Game Hunter

Wayne LaPierre is held in high regard by many NRA members who supplied him with the money he used to help pay for the $300,000 worth of suits he bought himself at member expense. (a small portion of the millions he lavished on himself and his wife, courtesy of NRA dues and donations.) One of Wayne's more self-indulgent projects was to have a film crew document him as he roamed the African savannah in search of a trophy elephant to 'bag'. One his guides had located an elderly, blind, slow elephant for Wayne to courageously blast, and Wayne's poorly-placed shot downed the elephant, but didn't kill it. From a distance of about 12 feet, Wayne pounded three more rounds into the elephant, missing the spot where the guides had helpfully pointed, saying, "Shoot it RIGHT here!". With the elephant still alive and well aerated, a guide finally took his gun, and properly put the pachyderm out of its misery, after which there was much congratulating of Wayne, since he'd paid their salaries, or more precisely, NRA rubes had paid their salary. The embarrassing "adventure film" of the expedition was 'buried", since slowly torturing an elderly elephant doesn't really synch with LaPierre's desire to portray himself as "A good guy with a gun". Thank goodness, in Wayne's hunting party there was one 'good guy with a gun', but that was the guide, not LaPierre. The only problem was, in the end, the guide shot the wrong dumb animal. Mangy Fetlocks decided this whole story was fitting for an epic folk song. He did what he could with what he had to work with. Lyrics below: Wayne LaPierre, oh what a man! If he can’t kill an elephant, then no one can. He dropped that bad boy with one shot Immediately dead. Oh wait! He’s not? The guides said, Well, shoot him twice. and Wayne complied, cuz he’s that nice and since Wayne’s shooting’s second to none. he just took one more shot with his elephant gun. Now, sadly Wayne was off the mark, not ‘cuz of fog or cuz it was dark. The distance was about 12 feet so to shoot from such range is quite a feat. So Wayne reloaded, aimed and fired and missed the spot that was required. A third time Wayne then took a shot, assured he’d killed it, but he had not. The guides exchanged a look that’s fit for when their client’s a hopeless shit who couldn’t hit a goddamn shed or in this case, an elephant half dead. In desperation, then a guide pulled out his gun, Wayne stepped aside. He stopped that elephant’s misery then all exclaimed, Wayne, yessiree! You’re quite a hunter, quite a man and shoot a gun like few men can. The hunting trip was deemed a success for what Wayne had paid, they could do no less. copyright 2022, Bruce W. Nelson