Finding the Raw Spots - Dr. Johnson's 2nd Conversation скачать в хорошем качестве

Finding the Raw Spots - Dr. Johnson's 2nd Conversation

According to Dr. Sue Johnson once we have recognized our demon dialogues and begun to evaluate some of our negative patterns, the second important conversation for a lifetime of love is finding the raw spots. Dr. Johnson calls them raw spots, but I like to call them wounds. Either way, we are talking about a hypersensitivity formed by moments in a person’s past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored or dismissed, resulting in a person feeling emotionally deprived or deserted. Feeling emotionally deprived or deserted are universal potential raw spots or wounds for lovers. These wounds frequently arise from relationships with significant people in our past including our parents, siblings, past lovers, or others who have shaped our ideas or experiences in loving relationships. These raw spots or wounds can be particularly prominent during big transitions or crisis, such as having a baby, moving, becoming ill or big economic swings. These are the times when we need the most support or understanding from our partners. Finding yourself repeatedly in a pattern of demon dialogues, most commonly results from one or both partners poking, jabbing or rubbing against their raw spots. Stopping these destructive dynamics depends not only on identifying and breaking the cycle of demon dialogues, but also on finding and soothing our own wounds and helping our partner to do the same. These wounds may be more or less pronounced in each partner depending on their upbringing and past relationship experiences. The good news is that we can heal even deep vulnerabilities with the help of a loving spouse. We can find a sense of secure connection and attachment with the aid of a responsive partner who helps us deal with painful feelings. So what happens when we poke or agitate a sore spot in our partner? 1. An attachment cue grabs our attention and triggers our longings or fears. Attachment cues that irritate wounds set off an internal alarm. 2. Our body responds to that trigger with strong emotions and puts us into survival mode with lightning speed. 3. Our prefrontal cortex deciphers the meaning of this breach of safety, deprivation or desertion. 4. We get set to move in a particular way, toward, away from or against our lover. Each emotion elicits a different response whether to fight, flight or freeze. Attack or retreat. All of this happens within seconds. Either a vicious cycle is exacerbated as we act from an unchecked emotion, or we learn to recognize and sooth our wounds and support our partners as they identify and deal with their own. We will continuously rub each other’s wounds and raw spots simply because we love each other, but the trick is to recognize, deal with and heal these wounds in ways that don’t keep you stuck in negative patterns of behavior. In the next conversation, we will learn more about how to work with these attachment feeling to de-escalate the destructive patterns we fall into, that Dr. Johnson likes to call, Rocky Moments.