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Wizard’s Staff

[Verse 1] Now Thistledown was a wizard grand With steady voice and careful hand A beard well-kept, a mind like steel— Not one for jokes or foolish zeal Till one dark day beneath a tree He found a staff of mystery Black as night with a polished head— And that’s when this is what it said: [shift tone, playful “staff voice”] “Careful there, you grip me tight— Buy me dinner first, at least be polite!” (pause, tavern laughter) [Chorus – catchy, singable] 🎶 Oh Woodie talks and Woodie sings— Says things no proper wizard brings! But cast he will and strong he stands— The dirtiest staff in all the lands! Oh Woodie jokes both night and day— There ain’t a spell he won’t betray! Great power, sure—but gods above— That staff’s got jokes it really loves! 🎶 [Verse 2] “Fireball!” cried Thistledown bold— “Hot and ready, just like you told!” The flames burst out, the foes were toast— But Woodie laughed the loudest most In sacred halls so still and wise It whispered low with wicked guise: “Give me a rub, just nice and slow— I’ll make your range begin to grow…” [beat — laughter, mug slam] [Chorus – louder] 🎶 Oh Woodie talks and Woodie sings— Says things no proper wizard brings! But cast he will and strong he stands— The dirtiest staff in all the lands! Oh Woodie jokes both night and day— There ain’t a spell he won’t betray! Great power, sure—but gods above— That staff’s got jokes it really loves! 🎶 [Verse 3] He tried new names—oh yes he did “Stormcaller!” “Nightspire!”—all were rid But Woodie scoffed, loud and proud— “I’ve had one name and I say it loud!” “Call me Woodie, don’t be shy— You’ve been holding me all night, my guy!” Now kings would stare and mages blush As Thistledown would try to hush But every spell, both near and far— Came with a joke that crossed the bar [Bridge – slower, theatrical] Now some men wield a blade or tome Some walk their path alone But Thistledown, by fate’s cruel plan— Had the loudest stick in all the land [quick beat shift back to chaos] [Final Chorus – full tavern energy] 🎶 Oh Woodie talks and Woodie sings— Says things fit not for courts or kings! But cast he will and strong he stands— The filthiest staff in all the lands! Oh Woodie jokes till break of day— There ain’t a spell he won’t outplay! So if you’ve power in your hands— Pray it don’t talk like this one can!