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If Your Thermostat Could Talk

Brandon Ellrich is So Gay is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. If you live in the Midwest, you’re familiar with the phrase, “If you don’t like the weather, just wait a minute; it’ll change.” It’s true. We’re in the midst of winter, and you turn the temperature up and down so often your thermostat thinks you’re bipolar (and no, I’m not talking about a bisexual polar bear). As I began writing this, it was a few days before Christmas. A couple of days before, the temperature was below freezing, but the prediction for Christmas Day was 69 degrees (sounds like the weather was on the naughty list). Many people tend to turn down the temperature at night so they can snuggle into their beds and save a little money. If you do turn it down at night, experts recommend (https://www.bhg.com/should-you-lower-...) only a few degrees. Your wallet may thank you, but your “stat” will curse you. If you’re perimenopausal, it’s even worse. The arrows on your thermostat are completely rubbed off, and it feels like a digital yo-yo. If your thermostat could talk, here are things it would likely tell you: Nobody wants to see your naked ass walking around here. Put on some damn clothes and leave the temperature where it is! Your feet are cold? Maybe you should’ve asked for wool slippers for Christmas instead of that immersion blender you’ll use once this year. You say you’re cold? You have two cats; use them for warmth. They need to earn their keep! Know that song, “Hot n Cold” by Katy Perry? She’s talking about YOU! I know you’re still young(-ish), but it seems like manopause has come early. Before you raise the temp, try getting off your ass for a few minutes to get your circulation going. I’m surprised you don’t already have a blood clot. You want me to stay at 70 degrees, yet you let your cat in and out 50 times a day. I can’t fix “stupid.” Speaking of stupid, you’re eating a bowl of ice cream in the dead of winter. How about trying a mug of hot cocoa like a normal human being? Maybe your thermostat isn’t as snarky as mine, but it’s certainly not unexpected. If you’d like to help me buy a pair of snuggly slippers, please upgrade to a paid subscription so I don’t freeze. If you upgrade to a paid plan, you can collaborate with me on articles like this one, audio podcasts, or join me on live videos! If you’re a fellow creator, I’ll also promote your work. I appreciate any support you’re willing or able to offer. Also, did you know I started a new publication for fiction and poetry? Check it out! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit brandonellrich.substack.com/subscribe (https://brandonellrich.substack.com/s...)