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The Marijuana Files

I had purchased marijuana from a drug dealer last night as I was walking back into the apartment. A flood of relaxation and bad memories had come back. Feeling suppressed, introverted, lacking in ideas. If I had to live like this I would surely go crazy. I never really got to enjoy anything in life because it was always under the shadow of drugs. The drugs that had taken me away from my happy childhood and sunk me into a depths of misery I surely thought I would never awaken from. The cannabis leaf, my greatest enemy. I still do not know whether it is the drug class itself or if the drug may have been mixed in with something else before. I seek to understand the drug, not condemn it. I also seek to defeat this hold it has on me. My nerves are settled but my mind is weary of it's effect. If I understand what it has done to me then I could understand how to fix the problem. Although if I had been smoking marijuana instead of taking these medications known as antipsychotics then my quality of life would surely be a lot better. I probably would have been able to tolerate living with my parents. Smoking it would feel better than feeling like I'm disconnected from myself. Society has a problem. I might be better off taking my chances outside of the program.