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The British Pipe Smoking Championships, held in Newark, Nottinghamshire—without question, the least energetic "sport" on Earth. I mean, honestly, if it involved any less movement, you'd need a hearse to get there. Before the action—or should I say inaction—begins, the competitors have the thrilling task of inspecting their pipes and standing by in case, heaven forbid, the rules change. Then, in a burst of excitement, the competition packs are handed out. Each one contains 3 grams of tobacco, a tamper, a competition-grade pipe, and two matches. Yes, two whole matches. The tension is almost palpable. Competitors are then given five minutes to "prepare," which, in this case, means delicately rubbing and shredding tobacco before stuffing it into their pipes with surgical precision. As with any sport, preparation is key. Then, at the dramatic command of "Gentlemen, light your pipes," the competition begins. And, well, that's about as exciting as it gets!