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Signs of Co-Dependent Patterns

These are my deep intimate shares on life. Very emotional. I seek a deeper level. I live 12 step programs. I am an Alcoholic and Co-Dependent. I have achieved and maintained my sobriety through working these programs. Getting emotionally sober and emotionally available took me a long time. I believe I have a feelings disease. I worked A.A. for a long time but found myself still soul sick. My soul was deteriorating even though I was super sober. I was a control freak. I was avoidant, compliant and in my own deep denials. I wasn't experiencing this happy, joyous and free life that A.A. promised me. Something was off. Something was missing. I needed more health. More answers. I found Codependents Anonymous. Something I never even heard of in A.A. I have a deeper appreciate for recovery now and know way more about myself and why I do things. I identified what my codependent patterns were. To say a few. My control kept me obsessed with other's inventory and not being able to live life on life's terms. My low-self esteem kept me from choosing the life I wanted, stuck. Ending up in bad relationships. The avoidant in me kept me farther from the truth and closed off from vulnerability. Living in denial kept me loyal to the wrong people and further compliance didn't help my people pleasing ways. But I thought I was just being nice, how could this happen to me? Don't they see, don't they know? Why do they continue to hurt me? All these deeply rooted patterns from childhood kept disrupting the life I was building. Being a mom of 4 boys and one on the spectrum I had to really dive deep on where my energy was going since I only had so much. I was exhausted and angry all the time. Still battling those resentments. I had to start identifying what my needs were and start getting them met properly. I Learned to make it a priority and be consistent. Becoming accountable meant I had to start making and saying my boundaries. Speaking my truth even in the face of disappointment. Say yes when I mean yes and no when I mean no. I thought putting every one else first would help me get there but it just burned me out. Today, I am energized. Meeting my needs and able to meet my kids needs even better. I am a beautiful and precious creation. I desire healthy and loving relationships. I am stronger, healthy and more available today for great things to enter my life. But I had to get even more healthier to be available for healthy. Recovery is a life journey. Hopefully some of the things I have learned the hard way may work for you. This is part of my story. ‪@AllThatJaz-n9c‬