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5 PRACTICAL SHIFT Many children behave well only when a parent is watching. When the parent leaves, the behavior disappears. This is not stubbornness. It means the child has learned control, not understanding. Below are practical shifts that actually work. 1. Teach What to Do — Replace Fear With Understanding. Children don’t automatically know what you expect when you’re not there. So every time you correct a behavior, always add: Why it matters What it builds in them Instead of only saying: “Do your chores before I come back! Try saying: When chores is done before play, you feel at peace and enjoy your place. This gives the child reason, not just a rule. Understanding lasts longer than fear. 2. Practice One Task Together Before Leaving Research and observation show that children do best when: ✔ They practice the task with you ✔ They say it out loud ✔ They repeat it once under guidance Example process: You explain the task They repeat the task in their own words They show you how they will do it You affirm the plan Now the child leaves with internal understanding. 3. Build Emotional Connection Around Expectations Try explaining expectations like this: This matters because I want you to grow responsible. I want you to be safe. Let’s do this together today. This shifts obedience from I’m scared of punishment to I understand why this matters. That’s how internal motivation grows. 4. Use Low-Stress Check-Ins Instead of Threats Instead of saying: “If this isn’t done, there will be consequences. Try: “When I come back, I’ll ask you how it went.” This: ✔ Removes fear ✔ Keeps accountability ✔ Builds trust 5. Rehearse Before You Leave (This Is Powerful) Parenting coaches like Dr. Laura Markham and others teach that children perform best when expectations are: ✔ Clear ✔ Practiced ✔ Emotionally safe ✔ Rehearsed before the moment Before leaving, ask: “What is the plan?” “How will you do it?” “What will you do if you forget? Let the child own the plan. This is how responsibility moves from the parent’s voice into the child’s inner voice. If your child only obeys when watched, don’t panic. This is not failure. It is feedback. And with understanding, practice, and connection, it can change.