Divine Masculine to DF: "I'm not like them...I'm scared I'm not like you either.." (cont'd below) скачать в хорошем качестве

Divine Masculine to DF: "I'm not like them...I'm scared I'm not like you either.." (cont'd below)

"...it feels like if it was anyone else...w/your popularity..power..they'd have holier-than-thou vibes...not you..you're so..humble..I don't feel good enough for you..though not from anything you've done...in fact...it's cuz you haven't..I'm used to ppl thinking they're 'all that'...delighting in making everyone feel lesser...not like you...who knows, owns & walks boldly in her power..yet doesn't act above anyone..even though she *is*...who treats me as equal...even though I've not earned it.. This shattered mess..that is my life...bills piled high...drama everywhere...so many things I must do...none of it for me...no time for *me*...I'm expected to be happy w/total submission to these karmics every whims...if I speak up or ever dare say "I don't want to" or "that hurts my feelings"...everything is kicked..esp me...I'm told I'm not "man enough"..am cruel..or a big baby.. I think of you more then...esp when I sneak away to hide tears..thinking..."*my* feminine would never treat me this way.." Even if you accidentally hurt me, you'd be there..telling you feel the diff..know I'm not 'fine'...you never made me tell you... you'd give me space..to think..exist...mess up more..to just..be.. You knew how to help..whether it was bringing me my fav snacks & a good hug..or when to tell me to let it out..w/o bullying..so I felt safe..you always..always..knew how to make it okay.. ...even now.. just telling you I feel anxious or anything..feels better.. Even when you don't say anything..I hear what you used to say..and I know..you know me..& never saw me as "broken"...just that I thought I was...you tried so hard to love me enough to help me love myself..to get me to believed in myself... Feminine..its crazy...to feel I miss when I thought you were trying to 'fix' me...this karmic is so diff..showing me the deep diff between someone trying to get me to love myself..stop self sabatoging...vs trying to 'fix' me...who isn't interested in learning who I really am..who only cares that I do what she wants..be who she wants.. For a while, I thought they knew me better..or at least wouldn't ever ask me to change.. Till I felt the realness of that *lie*..I tried to do something..show the real *me*...told myself things were bad cuz I wasn't opening up..was placating.. again...like I did with you..I thought..maybe.. I just need to be me..flawed..bratty..mixed up...say no when don't want to..yes only when I feel good & ready..make a fool out of myself sometimes..for love..like you wanted.. I did some things I now regret...though not in in being real like I would've before..simply in doing things w/them I should've done with you..which is when I realized I've been trying to earn redemption for how I treated you..by doin the right things w/he wrong ppl.. The crazy thing is..in the past I would've put on heavier armor..told myself I just needed never show that part of myself again...this time was diff..this time..I remembered what you told me..that when we're vulnerable & get hurt...we werent wrong being real..the other person just wasn't in alignment with us..couldn't understand..that many ppl then close up...assuming the wrong thing was being raw & real...tellin themselves they aren't lovable...then live in pain & manifest more pain..cuz we close off...when the truth is we are brave..beautiful...& just gave ourselves to ppl who couldn't recieve our love..cuz of their own shadows.. When I tried to be open..& got hurt...that's when I finally understood..I picked wrong..cuz if someone like you..who could pick anyone...who's so so wise..then I must be lovable..& have just been prioritizing ppl who can't love me...cuz I haven't felt lovable.. manifesting relationships reflecting how I feel about me..which had me thinkin..if you're still here...I must be manifesting you too..that some part of me feels lovable..worthy...that I have the power to choose...be like these karmics...or be like you..love myself..be honest..honorable..let love in.. Scary thoughts...though they feel real*..good..I remember you used to tell me..'if it feels good, do it. Even if others don't like it. Me included.'...i'm doing that now..chosing thoughts that feel *good*..it's not a big jump..though it feels like an important step..I can feel the diff..just in giving myself permission to imagine myself..with you..as an equal..a healer..a *Divine Masculine..who ppl look up to..who isn't afraid to love or be loved by his Divine Feminine..it feels diff..to release the words of those I thought were trying to help me by telling me I wasn't good enough for you..to see that's how they felt about themselves..that I don't have to feel that way..that I can choose to stop believing I messed up too badly..and believe..even if only in this moment..that this seperation has just been a hiccup..that this awful version of me I've been living in..has just been a learning lesson.. helping me become the man you deserve..to be the masculine you show me you see...