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Dark Thoughts

TL;DR Loving someone that only wants to harm themselves This song is me telling the truth about loving someone who keeps trying to leave this world. It starts with a memory I never outgrew—the night my mom picked me up from school and fell asleep at the wheel. By then it wasn’t new. It was her fourth attempt that year. When the cops brought her home and told us to expect the worst, something in me went cold and never really warmed back up. I used to cry all the time. I used to panic, beg, pray, fall apart. And then I ran out of tears. Exhaustion replaced fear. Not because I stopped loving her, but because living in constant crisis drains something vital out of you. The chorus is the hardest thing I’ve ever admitted out loud. When I think about my mother, I just hope she’s not alone. I don’t panic anymore at the thought of finding her body—and that realization horrifies me. Sometimes I even wish she’d go, not because I want her gone, but because her mind is torturing her and I can’t stop it. That kind of love is ugly, complicated, and full of shame. Every month feels like a countdown. I know she’s getting closer to the edge, and I can see it coming even when no one else does. The bridge is the nightmare I live with—the images, the weight, the certainty that this might be the time. This song isn’t about wanting someone to die. It’s about being worn down by loving someone who is constantly at war with themselves. If you’ve ever lived in that space—where grief starts before the loss—this is me saying what people don’t like to hear: sometimes the pain isn’t loud anymore. Sometimes it’s just exhaustion.