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A rewritten old song. I hope you like it! Lyrics © Señor Barends Step right up, it’s salvation for sale Half-price holiness, guaranteed no fail My religion’s the realest, stamped, notarized Straight from the sky, yeah the boss cosigned He told me to tell you to follow my lead So whatever I say, it’s been degreed Pay the ticket, I’ll protect your soul Sign the dotted line, that’s how we roll I promise heaven’s got a room with a view But first, my brother, I need cash from you Come join my cult, paradise now half-price We got merch, free consult, ain’t that nice Only then can I guarantee The afterlife to be trouble free Step in line, faith’s on the clearance rack Limited edition, no refund back Sinners go to hell, wanna gamble that bet? Do what I tell you, it ain’t too late yet Ten commandments, twelve-step brand Holy water bottles, straight from the stand Get baptized with a swipe of your card One click faith, devotion ain’t hard Come join my cult! Sign your life away Heaven’s one prayer from a layaway Trouble free, yeah, salvation plan Limited seats in the promised land Brothers and sisters, gather ‘round! This holy deal will not be found Past midnight the gates might close So lock in faith before it goes Can I get an amen? (Amen!) The afterlife’s a condo, beachfront divine I’m the prophet of profit, bottom line Scratch-off sin, raffle ticket grace Everybody hustlin’ in this holy space Choir on retainer, preacher in gold Bible study livestream, buy and sold Even atheists textin’ “sign me up quick” Cause the pearly gates got a turnstile trick Come join my cult! Paradise half-price Don’t wait too long, don’t think twice Only then can I guarantee Trouble-free, no sin warranty O yeah, yeah Salvation’s cheap, come buy today