Are Open Relationships Selfish? | With Dan Powers and Cathy Vartuli скачать в хорошем качестве

Are Open Relationships Selfish? | With Dan Powers and Cathy Vartuli

Cathy: Are open relationship selfish? This is Dan Powers from http://www.beyondthebedroom.com/ Dan: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ Cathy: And I love that people ask questions like this. Because it is something like, if someone isn't familiar with open relationships that could be the thought. Like aren't you being selfish that you want to have additional partners? But the really cool thing about most open relationships is it's not about one person having multiple partners. It’s about both people being allowed to have open part multiple partners. So it can be very generous giving experience. Dan: And one of the things that I talked about all time is you don't have just one friend do you? Cathy: Yeah. Dan: Like you've got multiple friends because they are all providing multiple kinds of needs. You got in my case I've got a bunch of friends that I ski with. I've got a bunch of friends that I teach sex education with. And I've got a bunch of friends that I go hiking in the mountains with and you know a number of different friends for things so and I don't do the same thing with everybody. Because not everybody likes it and we think there seem to think that when we get into a partnership with somebody that they've got to fill all of our needs. Cathy: Well if you've ever watched a Disney movie prince charming is supposed to find princess whatever and it's supposed to be like every need is fulfilled by the other person. The thing is we don't live in a fairy tale so I could love Dan deeply and passionately could love me. And it doesn't mean we're like this perfect meld where we meet each other's need. Like I love the idea that I can get some needs met with this with some really good friends here. And if can have a lover over here I could have a partner there I can have friends that it makes life really rich and delicious to me. Dan: Totally! And we like variety we don't eat the same food every night either. You know variety we don't watch the same TV show over again it’s got to be so easy I just found one TV show that i like. Like one episode and that's all I want. We like variety we like a little bit of change to go on and there's nothing wrong with that in a relationship as well. So Cathy: Yeah, Well there's basic human needs, humans need stability and they also need change. Dan: Right. Cathy: And it can be that for people that are monogamous there's nothing wrong with that. Um, you can have that stability and get your change in other ways or that maybe the relationship is evolving as you grow both of you. But I don't think open relationships are inherently selfish. I think some people are selfish and they might push an open relationship on a partner that doesn't want it. Or they might say I get to have partners and you don’t, which is fine if it's consensual there's plenty of anonymous / poly relationships that work .but it has to be equitable and consensual. Dan: Right or the kind of like, well I'm going to go do this whether you like it or not. You know that’s not going to quite work. Cathy: Yeah, or I've had people “Oh, your poly.” I'm poly too but my wife doesn't know. And I'm like “that's not open relationship that's not consensual and I will go the drama is not worth like I don't for me that's not anything I've ever is” Dan: That's poly done wrong. Cathy: Yeah, I mean it's about consent mutually it has to be informed consent. It’s like my part my wife doesn't know and so its fine I’m like oh so would she be mad that you're here talking to me right now? Yes I think so. Dan: Yeah, that'd be a problem yeah I do know that there are relationships where the partner doesn't want to know like details. Cathy: That's fine that's their agreement. Dan: Right. Cathy: Yeah, there's plenty of people like okay I'm fine with you being poly I don't even want to know you're seeing people that's different from I’m not going to inform you that I’m going to be seeing other people. so and i think that you know one of the things about selfishness is it implies it's never okay to take or to receive and we had a conversation earlier tonight about how taking as long as it's loud there are times where it's really okay to be the one receiving the one it's like give me the stuff as long as the other the other people involved or like yeah i want i want to give you a lot right now when I allow you to take this stuff for me. Dan: Right, because most of us are actually givers you know I just took a big Tantra workshop for two weeks here in California. And probably the number one problem or hardship the people had was receiving. I know I do. And it's like I'm much better at giving let me give that side I want the attention me or feel like I'm taking. But really in order to be fully fed it was nice to receive and just to be able to receive her time doing it but I was getting better towards the end of the hardship Cathy: That's good practice makes perfect yeah. ...