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I Kicked Santa's Ass

[Verse 1] Snow fallin’ like dandruff off a mall rat’s coat, I’m outside the grotto feelin’ cosmic and broke, My goth girl vanished in a blur of red felt, Smell of cheap brandy and a moral melt. I see the sleigh skid by the off-licence sign, Six demon reindeer, coke-red eyes, She’s in the back smokin’ clove cigarettes, Santa’s laughin’ like “ho ho — no regrets.” [Pre-Chorus] I said “Oi, beard-face, that one’s MINE,” She likes Bauhaus, not elves and wine, He winked with a twinkle, rang his filthy bell, Said “Naughty list, baby — straight to hell.” [CHORUS] I kicked Santa’s ass in the Tesco car park Boot through his sack, left a sleigh-shaped mark Candy canes flyin’, elves cryin’ in fear I stole his boots and pissed on his beard Yeah I kicked Santa’s ass, Ho Ho NO For stealin’ my goth girl under mistletoe [Verse 2] Elf screams echo, bells explode, Reindeer scatter, sleigh implodes, Fat man wheezin’, gaspin’ lies, Milk and cookies — alibis. My goth girl laughs in corpse-white joy, Mascara tears, chaos deployed, She screams “END HIM, Make him swallow his teeth," I grab his beard — pull him beneath. [Pre-Chorus] No forgiveness No good cheer Only fists This time of year [CHORUS] I kicked Santa’s ass in the Tesco car park Boot through his sack, left a sleigh-shaped mark Candy canes flyin’, elves cryin’ in fear I stole his boots and pissed on his beard Yeah I kicked Santa’s ass, Ho Ho NO For stealin’ my goth girl under mistletoe SNOW STAINED RED AND BLACK JINGLE BELLS FUNERAL KNELL HE’S NEVER COMIN’ BACK [BREAKDOWN] HO. HO. NO. Kick — kick — SNAP Kick — kick — SNAP MERRY CHRISTMAS [Bridge] You stole my woman And all I want for Christmas is to kick your ass You stole my woman And all I want for Christmas is to kick your ass [FINAL CHORUS] I kicked Santa’s ass in the Tesco car park Boot through his sack, left a sleigh-shaped mark Candy canes flyin’, elves cryin’ in fear I stole his boots and pissed on his beard Yeah I kicked Santa’s ass, Ho Ho NO For stealin’ my goth girl under mistletoe [Outro] Christmas is cancelled. Santa is fucked. Metal survives.