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How to make a curry (for idiots)

Another cooking video. CAUTION: Not suitable for vegetarians. --------- How to make a tasty curry Look, loads of chillies growing in a big pot, it's enough to put me in the mood for a ring-melter. How to make a curry. Ingredients. You'll need ghee, onions, garlic, tomatoes, some meat, and a cupboard full of spices, although if I go through that lot you'll give up and buy a pizza instead, so let's just use some paste. First, tie that hair out of the way unless you like the texture of filamentous biomaterial in your food. Meat in oven Turn the oven on to gas mark, quite warm but not extremely hot. Put your meat in the oven, unless you don't eat meat, in which case, don't put meat in the oven, boil some spuddies instead, they're much cheaper anyway Chop onions I hope you like chopping, because onions need chopping, and a curry is an onion-based meal. Cut up into tiny pieces, but be aware that as you do this the onion will realise sulphenic acids into the air which causes your eyes to water, so if you don't want to look stupid; wear a gas mask. Once you've done this you can chuck the millions of bits of onion into a pan and fry. Beer. Making curry is always more fun with a beer to drink, so have a beer, even if you don't really want one. Add lime pickle As the onions caramelise, put in a tea-spoon of lime pickle, keep stirring away. Fun this isn't it? Add spices I am trying to make this easy, so a few dollops of Rogan josh paste will do instead of reading up the correct quantities of the various spices need to make a nice taste. Add garlic. Chop up the garlic, but careful with the fingers, you probably want to keep those. I could use a garlic crusher instead of a knife here, but I can't be bothered to go to the other side of the kitchen and get it out of the drawer. Notice there's no fresh ginger, that's because I haven't got any. Tomatoes Fresh tomatoes are best, but you're probably already bored with chopping stuff up and your fingers stink of garlic, and you're hungry and all you want to do is get this cooking malarkey finished with. Go to the shop. At some point during the cooking I will always realise that I've forgotten something else, and have to go to the shop. You should do the same. Check meat Unless you've got an idea on how long it takes for a few bits of meat to cook, it's a good idea to check it from time-to-time to void incinerating it. Peppers Oh yeah, if you like peppers, put some of those in they won't do any harm. Simmer Chop meat Once the meat has gone tender, you can take it out and pour the juices into the sauce. Some would suggest leaving out as much oil as possible but if that's how you feel; why bother at all, with taste comes consequence -- get used to it. Chop the meat up and throw it into the sauce. Now, leave this to simmer for a while and do something else, like, I don't know, it's up to you I can't make all of your decisions. Make rice Now to cook some basmati rice. There's the proper way to do this, and the quick way, I'm going to use the quick way and use the microwave, because I'm bored of being stood up now. Put rice into a container, cover with water, bung it in the microwave for 10 minutes, and then get it out again. As you can see, this turns the rice a bit rubbery, but after bouncing it around the kitchen for a while you'll notice that it still tastes, alright. Dish it up, and enjoy, although you've probably gone off the idea now, or just too pissed to care any longer.. ----------- The music was made by me, improvised on an instrument that I can't even play. g4rdenspoon facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/G4rdens...