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Ah, the Royal Shrovetide Football Match, an ancient spectacle steeped in tradition, played out in the quaint town of Ashbourne, nestled in the Derbyshire countryside of England. Every year, on the hallowed days of Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday, a remarkable event unfolds—an unruly dance of football, drenched in the spirit of the Middle Ages. Here, my friends, the men of Ashbourne take to the streets, transforming the town into a tempestuous arena, where rules hold little sway (though I must assure you, the acts of murder and manslaughter remain firmly prohibited, for the sake of our collective well-being). It is a free-for-all like no other, a frenzy of raw passion and relentless pursuit. Allow me to present to you the world's oldest, largest, longest, and most audacious football game. The stage is set for the clash between the Up'ards and Down'ards, two rival factions divided by the expanse of two mills, three miles apart, which serve as the monumental goalposts of this extraordinary contest. With fervor coursing through their veins, the teams embark on a daring quest to score. A ball, specially crafted for this occasion—slightly larger than a typical football and filled with cork—is ceremoniously thrown into the fray by a distinguished guest of honor, who adds his presence to the tapestry of this timeless tradition. Once the ball is set in motion, the players employ every tactic at their disposal. They kick, they carry, and they throw with unbridled determination. The game, my comrades, is not one to be hurried. It can stretch on for hours, enduring well into the depths of the night, where darkness shrouds the relentless battle for victory. In this grand spectacle, chaos reigns supreme, rules bow before the sheer force of passion, and the echoes of ancient times resonate with each kick of the ball. The Royal Shrovetide Football Match, my friends, embodies the spirit of a bygone era, a vibrant tapestry woven with the threads of history and camaraderie.