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Until I'm Not

I learned early—don’t wait, don’t lean Swallow it down like steel on steel Every fact, every rule, every scar Stored and stacked like spare parts I made a vow with no witness there Never rely, never break, never care I learned and forgot more than most will know And I’m proud of the weight that I learned to hold Emotions exist, but they stay concealed Behind fractured glass and polished steel Patient. Relentless. Built to endure Failure’s a word I don’t allow anymore I am the machine Always in motion Grinding through days with mechanical devotion I am the machine Cracked but advancing Even when pain slows the motion down I just keep going again I am the machine Until I’m not But today— Today I’m not done Years stack heavy behind my stride Steps slow down though the drive survives Some mornings I freeze, stare into blue Asking the sky when the running is through Gears bent. Frame split. Power forced through a system unfit I don’t fix the damage. It’s left behind No time to repair what I lose in the grind Every obstacle logged as a lesson learned Each warning ignored, every limit burned I crossed the line years ago, I know But stopping means letting the whole thing go I am the ma—chine Always progressing Pouring what’s left straight into suppression I am the ma—chine Shaking and loud Metal screaming but I stand proud I just turn what I feel into steel I am the ma—chine Until I’m not But today— Today I’m not done I see pieces of me on the ground behind Destroyed. Forgotten. Lost to time I can’t stop to gather them, can’t slow to care There’s no space for me anywhere No hope budgeted. No rest assigned I was never scheduled to save my mind I guard the family I built from flame I burn so they don’t do the same And when their joy breaks through— Something ignites A hidden surge floods the circuit lines Pride I don’t show, but it hits like fuel Reboots the system. Rewrites the rule I forgot who I was before this role Before the process replaced the soul I was human once I used to smile just passing through Now it’s routine. Procedure. Repeat Same cold motions, same measured beats I’m failing now—I’m splitting seams Too much damage to run this clean I know I should stop. I know I will break No one survives this pace awake But they need me standing. They need me strong And I’ve been this thing for far too long I am the m— m—machine Guarding the line Breaking myself so they’ll be fine I am the m— m—machine Worn to the core Still moving forward like I swore I would Every step hurts Every breath costs I’m running on echoes and things I’ve lost I am the m— m—machine Until I’m not And I know that day is coming— But today… Not today I hear a giggle behind me now They’re catching up—still warm, still whole They want to stand right here with me But I can’t let them see the cracks I know the end is real and near I feel it every grinding year The engine will fail. I won’t outrun But the system boots once more I'm not done Not today