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Talking About Touch You Don't Like During Sex

How can you talk to your partner about what you don't like in bed? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com. Cathy: What do you if your partner's touching you in ways that you don't particularly like? Reid: I'm Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com. Cathy: This is Cathy Vartuli from The Intimacy Dojo. The long suffering Cathy Vartuli. Reid: It's awesome. The long suffering Cathy Vartuli. Cathy: This is not you’re hopefully your partner is not doing that to you very often. Reid: Got your nose, I got your nose. Cathy: It could be really hard when you're in bed, like you're kind of turned on, and I know my brain doesn't work as well when I'm turned on ... Reid: Just keep talking. Cathy: Why are you laughing? Reid: No, it's just cute to ... I just want to keep... Please continue. Cathy: Let me hold your hands. Reid: Please continue. Cathy: It can be hard to say something to your partner about they're doing a lot of things right but one thing isn't feeling good or it's hurting or it's just not working. I'll let you role model if you're willing to be a little serious. Reid: I am completely serious. Cathy: How we can talk to a partner about that? Reid: Okay. You want me to ... Do you want to role model first? Cathy: Sure. Reid: Okay. Cathy: I'm supposed to ... Reid: I love your face. I love it, I love it. It's so sweet. Cathy: Sorry guys. Oh, sweetie? Reid: Yes? Cathy: Can we talk for just a minute? Reid: Oh, baby. Yes? Cathy: I really love how you touch me, like my body ... Reid: I know you do. Cathy: Enjoys you, but sometimes when you squish my face, it doesn't feel really hot for me. Can we try something else? Reid: Okay. Cathy: Is that okay? Reid: Sure, what should we try? Cathy: Why don't you try doing that someplace else? Reid: Okay. Cathy: Or you can ask for like, "Could you try stroking my face gently instead of mushy?" Reid: Sure. Cathy: That's sweet. Thank you. Reid: You're welcome. Cathy: I like that. My body's really enjoying then somewhat turned on. Reid: Break that like what are you doing, break that down for them. Cathy: I'm doing an appreciation sandwich. It's not ... Can I show them how badly they do it? Reid: Yes. An appreciation sandwich is a tool and a term that I got from Leon Silver, who is a great sex educator. That's why I heard it first, so I just want to tribute appreciation sandwich. Cathy: I think it's been footing around for a while. Reid: I got it from her. Cathy: A bad way to do that, you want to be ... Reid: A bad way? Cathy: Let me show them a bad way. Do you want to ... Reid: You want me to do it again? Cathy: Yeah. Stop it what are you doing? Stop! Don't do that. Reid: That was scary. If that's all you can muster in the moment, better to speak up than not, than be silent. Cathy: I actually like to have a safe word. I'm not really kinky, but I like to have a safe word that lets my partner know. Reid: What's a safe word, Cathy? Cathy: A safe word is a word I can say that would get my partner's attention, and let him or her know that I need attention, and that I need them to stop what they're doing. I actually have two safe words usually, I have one that means, "Let's slow this down a little bit." Like we don't have to break the flow, but more gentle more easy or whatever. Then I have a safe word that means, "Okay, we need to stop right now." Reid: Just halt. Cathy: Halt. For a lot of people that's a safe a word or red is used often, it means, "Just stop." If you're not able to get out the words and it's like, it's not just like annoying, it's actually hurting or causing you distress, you want to use a safe word or you can even teach your partner, I'll have an abuse history, so there have been times when I've been triggered and I can't get words out. I've talked them just like a typical martial arts like tap out they means we need to stop. Or you can actually pinch them to, like you're moving around there's a lot happening. Reid: You don't pinch them on the nipples if that's the thing they're into, because it might just be a miscommunication. Cathy: Going back to the beginning, what I was doing with the appreciation sandwich was I was letting him know something good like, "I like your touching, generally you're turning me on." Then I share the thing that I want to change. Like, "Hey, that particular touch and that particular location isn't feeling great." Then it was nice you ask for what else, but you can say, "Why are you sharing like in a positive way? Like I'm really enjoying this [inaudible 00:04:37] with you." Or you can, you said suggest, "Could we try something? This different thing."