Raising Teenagers Seeing the Who, not only the What скачать в хорошем качестве

Raising Teenagers Seeing the Who, not only the What

Raising Teenagers – Seeing the "Who", Not Only the "What" Question: I am a mother of seven, and my oldest child is 15 years old. As he moves deeper into his teenage years, I feel a growing distance between us. It seems to come from his desire for independence—to make his own choices rather than simply follow the ways of my husband and me. I am unsure whether I should tell him what he should do or let him do what he wants. I also struggle with how to respond when he acts in ways I don’t agree with. Answer: Almost every parent experiences this struggle with their teenage children, and it is very common to feel unsure about the correct response. A helpful first step is to reframe the choices you are considering. In your question, you describe two options: telling him what to do or letting him do what he wants. You also wonder how to react when he behaves in ways you do not agree with. As parents of teenagers, the most important principle is to nurture the relationship with our child. We must focus on the “who” of our child, not only the “what.” When we see our teenagers as a “what”—what they are wearing, how their hair looks, their actions, their choices—we are no longer relating to the person inside, the “who”. Our teenagers are growing, exploring and learning about a vast, exciting and sometimes intimidating world. They have feelings, opinions, desires, and dreams, and they deeply want to be accepted, acknowledged, and understood. This means learning to truly listen to our children and giving them space to express their thoughts without immediately correcting, judging, or reacting. Showing interest in what is important to them can help them feel seen and respected. Thus, the question is not only what to allow or how to react, but how to strengthen your relationship with your child, with the who you are privileged to raise. Rav Chaim Shalom Deitsch shared a story that took place in Israel in the 1940s. A teenage girl from a religious home began spending time with peers who were not interested in Torah and mitzvot. Although this was painful for her parents, every night—no matter how late she came home—her father would be waiting for her. He was not waiting to reprimand her, but to offer her a warm, home-cooked meal. He did not agree with her choices, yet he consistently showed that she was valued and loved as his daughter, as a who and not a what. One day, her friends decided that they were really going to show their parents that they were through with the Torah way of life and planned to drive through the streets of Tiberias on Shabbat. The daughter, however, chose not to participate, explaining that she could not do that to her father. In time, she returned to Torah and mitzvot. This does not mean that parents should never speak to their teenagers about behavior or values. Parents can—and should—but how we do so makes all the difference. When parents become demanding or controlling, not only does the relationship suffer, but guidance is far less likely to be received. A positive, respectful, and caring relationship creates an environment in which a teenager can remain open to receive the knowledge, guidance and education that we want to share. Instead of saying, “You must do this,” it is often more effective to say, “My suggestion would be…” or “In my experience, you might want to consider this choice.” Maintaining consistency while expressing warmth helps teenagers feel both guided and emotionally secure. When we truly value who our child is, it is very likely that our child will respond in kind. As it says in Mishlei (27:19), “As water mirrors the face to the face, so does the heart of man to man.” A strong, loving and respectful relationship creates a bond that encourages our children to internalize our guidance and, over time, choose to walk in the ways we teach.