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How to Recognize Demon Dialogues

The basis of Emotionally Focused Therapy is seven conversations aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness that has 3 main components. 1. Accessibility: Can I reach you? 2. Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? 3. Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close to me? Dr. Sue Johnson's 1st conversation of a lifetime of love is recognizing demon dialogues. The 3 destructive patterns that she calls demon dialogues are: 1. Find the Bad Guy: a dead end pattern of mutual blame that effectively keeps a couple miles apart, blocking re engagement and the creation of a safe haven. Both partners anticipate being hurt and escalate this negative pattern to a complete dead end. 2. The Protest Polka: is the protest against the loss of the sense of secure attachment we all need in our relationships. One partner is demanding, actively protesting the disconnection and the other is withdrawing and quietly protesting the implied criticism. 3. Freeze and Flee: the extreme distancing in response to the loss of connection and the sense of helplessness about how to restore it. Partners are withdrawn and protected against hurt. The great news is that once these demon dialogues are recognized, steps can be taken towards breaking the pattern and moving towards the second conversation.